


As It Could Never Be

by roboticfennec



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Connie Springer (mentioned) - Freeform, Eren Jaeger (mentioned) - Freeform, Hand Jobs, M/M, Marco Bott (mentioned) - Freeform, Mikasa Ackerman (mentioned) - Freeform, Original Universe, Sasha Braus (mentioned), Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-18 20:37:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3583179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roboticfennec/pseuds/roboticfennec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started out as an innocent worry, but it grew to be so much more in such a short amount of time.<br/>(Not complete, will never be finished.  Super sorry but I've just lost interest.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accidental Voyeur

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally meant to be a smutty Jearmin one-shot, but my fingers just kept moving! I'm not sure where the story is headed so far, but I hope the fandom and shippers enjoy it!

Armin had long since passed out after a long hard day of training, but woke abruptly when he heard what sounded like pained groaning. In his sleepy stupor he wasn't quite sure of who the worrying noises were coming from, so he followed the noise, rubbing his eyes.

  
"Jean?" he called softly, then yawned. "Are you alri-" The blonde brought a hand to his mouth almost slowly.

  
The tall and arrogant cadet was stroking himself, his free forearm tossed over his open mouth; however, it wasn't doing much to conceal his noises of arousal, which had sounded to an entirely innocent Armin like groans of soreness or pain and caused him to worry.

  
He was now standing quite a way away from Jean's cot, vaguely aware that he was grasping himself through his loose pajama pants. Armin seemed almost mesmerized by the fluid movements of Jean's hand, and the slight curve of his length. He slowly shuffled his pants down to his thighs and placed a hand around his own aching member, starting to stroke. His head tilted slightly as he watched his friend, his messy hair bouncing a bit.

  
Jean was starting to pick up the pace, eyes shut tightly as his hips moved in tandem with his hand. He squeezed himself and ran his thumb over his slit, gathering precome, which he then slathered along his cock. A couple fingers reached to massage his balls and he groaned a little louder than before.

  
Armin watched him closely. Whenever he did anything that seemed to pleasure him more than usual, he replicated it, such as the light massage of his organs or the teasing of his thumb against his slit. The blonde leaned one shoulder against the wall; the manner in which he was getting off was almost lazy. He was so absorbed in watching the slightly older cadet's movements that his own pleasure was a secondhand concern.

  
Jean eventually started to approach climax. Armin noticed the change in his motion; his thrusts weren't in sync with the movements of his hand anymore, and his breathing was less regular. The small, blue-eyed male pulled his pants quietly back up and focused on watching his friend.

  
Jean bit down into his arm, hard enough to make small red marks but not hard enough to bruise. Soon he spurted into his hand and across his stomach, with a muffled word that Armin took a while to process.

  
After a moment of shock, Armin closed his mouth, which had fallen open.

  
Jean had said his name.

 

 

 


	2. Couldn't Stay Away

"What?" Jean whispered, confusion apparent in his voice. The moan of Armin’s name had been very low, but Jean sat up and whipped his head around. "What the hell're you doing in here, Blondie?" he hissed, eyes narrowing. Clearly he was pretending he hadn't just moaned Armin's name at the moment of ejaculation.

"I heard you, and um..." His eyes darted around nervously, but eventually settled on his own hands, which were massaging each other just as nervously. "I thought you were hurt, so I came to check on you, and..." He bit his lip after trailing off.

"And what?" Jean snapped impatiently.

"I couldn't bring myself to leave," Armin said shyly. He hoped Jean couldn't see how cherry red his face was in the dark. "I'm sorry, Kirschtein."

Jean took a deep breath and sighed. "Is this...is this the first time?" Armin blinked confusedly and looked at him, momentarily forgetting his embarrassment.

"The first time what?" he asked.

"The first time you've caught me...doing that," he clarified and shuffled uncomfortably in his bed.

"Yes," Armin answered after a bit of thought. "Wait. Does that mean there've been other times?"

It was Jean's turn to hope Armin couldn't see his intense blush. "Quite...quite a few, Arlert," he said so quietly he almost couldn't be heard.

Armin nodded and walked over to his cot. "Do you, ah," he said, scratching the back of his neck, "do you mind if I sit here? With you, I mean?"

Jean rolled his eyes and huffed, but moved over slightly in his bed. Armin nodded in thanks and sat down next to him. “So um…is it just…is it just a physical thing?” he asked, kneading his hands together. “Or is it more like a…a thing thing?” He bit his lip; he hadn’t meant to repeat the word, but it’d come out that way.

“Mostly I want to pin you against various objects and surfaces and fuck the daylights out of you, but if you’d prefer, you could think of it that way,” Jean answered. He’d tried to be honest, but he figured he’d come across as a blundering fool.

“O-oh,” was all Armin was able to say. In a perfect world, where there were no Titans or walls and everyone was happy, he would muster up the courage to kiss Jean the way he wanted to. Sadly, no such thing happened.

“If you want you can sleep here tonight. But if I get a boner and it pokes you it’s your fault,” Jean grunted and laid down facing the lithe blonde. Armin’s eyes widened and he nodded quickly before laying down as well, curling up to Jean’s warm figure. He let his hands rest against his bare chest as Jean placed a hand on his waist. He sighed contentedly and smiled. “You’re as warm as I imagined,” he mumbled as he closed his eyes.

Jean sighed. “Have you been sitting around imagining my body temperature?” he groaned, but secretly he was pleased. He enjoyed the thought of someone thinking about him, and lied to himself, thinking he’d like it just as much if it was anyone else.

“Yes, but you’ve been sitting around imagining mine as well,” Armin pointed out. “Just in different places.” This prompted the taller male to move his hand to Armin’s ass and give it a rough squeeze. The blonde squeaked in response and wiggled a bit. His member, which had lost its interest after a bit of conversation, perked back up and pressed against Jean’s stomach. Armin looped a leg over Jean’s and buried his head further into his chest.

“Want me to help you with that?” Jean grunted through Armin’s hair; the latter nodded vigorously. The slightly older cadet gave the flesh he was holding onto a goodbye grope before yanking the thin white pants, which were covering Armin’s ass as well as another thing he was dying to touch, down. He trailed his hand teasingly from the goldilocks’ ass across his hip until he reached the object of a good percentage of his fantasies. He stared down at it for a moment while Armin breathed heavily against his muscular chest.

“Are you going to do anything?” the boy whined quietly. Jean grunted in response and grasped the length, earning a muffled and high-pitched cry. “Th-thank you,” Armin whispered, and Jean chuckled and rolled his eyes. Armin pouted defensively and demanded, “What’re you laughing for?”

“You’re thanking me for touching the body I’ve been longing to touch for a long, long time,” he explained. The way he said it was less affectionate and more predatory. The tone of his voice made Armin blush and buck in his hand. “Please touch me more,” he mumbled against Jean’s heated skin. The dirty blonde obliged, stroking him slowly, squeezing in all the right places and rubbing the slit with his thumb, which he’d done to himself earlier.

“It n-never feels like that,” Armin [started](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3583179/chapters/new#), and paused as he gasped and let out a quiet moan, “when it’s….when it’s me.”

Jean smirked. “You like having someone else make you feel good?” he teased.

“Only,” Armin whispered, interrupted by a squeaking sort of moan, “only when it’s you.”

Jean bit his lip. He’d said exactly what he wanted him to. “Why don’t you make me feel good too, blondie?” he asked, trying his best not to sound like he was begging.

“Didn’t you already…?” Armin asked quietly. Jean was amazed at how innocent he sounded and replied, “I did, but I could probably go one or two more times.” Armin swallowed and took a deep breath. He pulled Jean’s pants down just enough to be able to grab his cock. He did so and squeezed it, admiring the slight curve and bulging veins.

Jean leaned forward and nipped at Armin’s ear. “Imagine how it’d feel buried deep inside you,” he groaned. Armin shuddered and moaned, eliciting a cocky grin from Jean. He tried hard to keep his eyes open and trained on Jean’s length as he stroked it, but eventually he had to close them due to the pleasure he was both giving and receiving. He arched his back and gave a high-pitched moan when Jean gave his balls a rough squeeze.

“You like it when I’m rough with you, don’t you?” the older male purred with a grin.

“M-maybe!” Armin cried almost defensively, a deeper blush rising to his cheeks and the tips of his ears. Jean bit his lip and let out a deep, quiet groan in response.

Armin could feel himself nearing climax. “Jean,” he whispered quietly and gasped, “please um…please squeeze them again?” His attempted demand sounded more like a begging question than he would’ve liked.

Jean was happy to oblige and did so. Armin reciprocated gently, keeping his fingers around one and slowly massaging it while his thumb stroked the base. The blonde male pressed his mouth against Jean’s chest to keep himself quiet. Jean was a bit less vocal, but he kept his lips close to Armin’s ear so that the heated breath escaping them would tease it. The boy enjoyed the sensation, and it wasn’t long before he let out a high moan and released into Jean’s hand and across the sheets. His tired hand kept moving on Jean’s length, and he looked up into his eyes as he milked him. Jean’s own eyes were hooded and obviously aroused, unable to remove their gaze from Armin’s baby blues.

Jean finally closed his eyes and mouth and groaned, releasing a smaller load than he had before. Armin smiled at his handiwork, somehow still looking innocent, which made Jean chuckle softly. The shorter male wiped his hand on his pants and pulled them up, then pulled up Jean’s as well; the older boy didn’t seem like he would do it himself anytime soon.

Said older boy had apparently already dozed off, but not before draping his arm across Armin’s waist. The latter smiled and curled up against him, and for the moment all was calm.

 

 

 


	3. Confessions and Nausea

Armin bit his lip and sighed. He should’ve felt perfectly at peace as he laid with Jean, but sadly it wasn’t so. “When this is all over…” he began as he traced his thumb over Jean’s torso, “and when we kill all the Titans…”

Jean cracked an eye open, though Armin didn’t notice.

“I hope you can marry me.” He sighed again. “But I guess you wouldn’t want to anyway, huh?” he asked softly. “Even if Eren and Mikasa were okay with it. I know you’re not that kind of guy.”

Jean, whose only emotions seemed to be pride, annoyance, and anger, felt depressed and disgusted with himself. Was this how he appeared to Armin? To everyone? A cold and heartless man who thought only with his dick?

“I guess if we killed all the Titans, I don’t really know what you’d do,” Armin continued, shaking his head. “I mean, I can see how you felt…about Marco…” He frowned at the thought. “He was a good person. He deserved a longer and better life, one where he could be with you. I know you would’ve made him happy.”

Jean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Armin liked him enough to notice his affection for the freckled cadet, and enough that he would like to see them together.

“I know it took a toll on you, Jean. It took a toll on everyone, but you loved him. I know you did. And I still can’t help but feel like a replacement.” Armin hiccuped, and Jean realized the blonde was crying. “It’s awful because I still let you get to me. I still go along and pretend like I’m the first thing in your mind even when I know I’m not.”

Jean felt a hot wet something roll down his cheek, and it took him a moment to figure out that he was crying too. The thing that frustrated him the most was the fact that he didn’t know whether what Armin was saying was true.

“But I still love you, I still love you, even though I fucking know all you see when you look at me is him,” he whispered, but it was more of a hiss. “I’m not even like him. But now I find myself comparing myself to him and every time I do I think about how I’m your second choice. First place was ripped from your hands so you settled for second instead!”

Armin’s voice was no louder than a whisper, but his words resonated in Jean’s ears. He played them over in his head and panicked because he had no idea if they were accurate.

“I don’t know why I let myself love you. You’re probably gonna get eaten. Or maybe I will. I don’t even know,” Armin said bitterly. He could taste the tears on his tongue, which made him grimace. “I have all these hopes and every one of them is dependent on so many ifs.”

Jean wanted to reply, but he had no words.

“We can’t even have kids, Jean.” Armin laughed sadly. “Isn’t it stupid? Isn’t it stupid, Jean, to think about something like kids when the likelihood is that we’ll die before we’re even adults?”

Jean swallowed. He’d never allowed himself to think beyond their current mission.

Armin was sobbing into Jean's chest at this point. “All I want is to be safe so I can love you without wondering if I’ll be dead a day from now,” he lamented at a nearly silent whisper.

“Me too,” Jean finally whispered back, burying his head in Armin’s hair, hoping he didn’t mind having to wash the snot and tears out later.

Armin’s heart stopped and his stomach flipped. Jean had heard every bit of what he said. The love confession, the near proposal, the silly wishes, the bitter remembrance of Marco. Everything.

“I want to run away with you,” Jean said after a while, when his tears had calmed from weeping to quiet crying. “But there’s nowhere to run, is there?”

“Straight into the mouth of a Titan,” Armin muttered and hiccuped again.

Jean didn’t even think before delivering a swift slap to Armin’s cheek and growling, “Never say anything like that ever again.”

Armin closed his eyes but took the hit without flinching. “I know,” was his only response.

“Good.” Jean thought about Sasha and Connie. They always seemed so carefree and happy. It was hard for him not to regard them with hatred or disgust. Somewhere in his head he knew it was because he wished he could be that way.

“I really mean it when I say I love you,” Armin whispered. He had been able to stop his tears, but they returned when he thought about everything. “I guess we should just make it worth it while it lasts.”

Jean closed his eyes and kissed Armin’s head. “You’re not second best,” he promised him.

Armin looked up at him with a scowl. “And you’re not a good liar.”

Jean sighed deeply and stayed quiet. He knew that no matter what he said when it came to Marco, Armin wouldn’t believe him.

“Maybe when we’re on a mission we can just keep going,” Armin suggested. “There’s bound to be a place out there without Titans. They can’t go on forever.”

The way he said it, Jean knew Armin didn’t believe his own words.

 

 

 


	4. Help Me Come To Terms With All Of This...Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For now I don't really have an update schedule planned out and I'm sorry about that. If I become more well known I might set one up..
> 
> So please kudo, comment, and recommend me to anyone you think would enjoy!
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Jean woke before the sun rose due to the loss of warmth in his arms. Armin must’ve been gone for a while, but the heat of his body stuck to the blankets for a few minutes after he left. The tall boy groaned quietly, a mixture of agony and discomfort. He flipped onto his stomach and breathed in the scent of the sheets Armin had laid on.

He frowned when he felt himself smile, then sighed as he remembered the words Armin had said, and that Jean wasn’t meant to hear.

“I hope you can marry me…but I guess you wouldn’t want to…” “I can see how you felt…about Marco…” “I still can’t help but feel like a replacement.” “I still go along and pretend like I’m the first thing in your mind even when I know I’m not.” “But I still love you, I still love you, even though I fucking know all you see when you look at me is him.” “I’m your second choice. First place was ripped from your hands so you settled for second instead!”

Jean realized that almost all of what Armin had said was about Marco. His brow was furrowed so hard it was becoming sore.

“I don’t know why I let myself love you.”

Jean hiccuped and started to cry. He knew, he knew that he didn’t deserve anyone’s love at all, especially Armin’s.

“We can’t even have kids, Jean…Isn’t it stupid? Isn’t it stupid, Jean, to think about something like kids when the likelihood is that we’ll die before we’re even adults?”

It is. It is stupid, Armin.

Jean remembered what he himself had said.

“I want to run away with you.” It was such a laughable notion, yet not funny at all.

“You’re not second best.” At that, Armin had scoffed, and Jean had shut up.

Jean was not prepared for the day ahead of him.

+  
+  
+

Eren noticed something was amiss at dinner when Jean wasn’t speaking or looking anywhere other than his hands or his food. The so-called horse-faced male suspected Mikasa knew something was up as well, but then again, he could never tell for sure when it came to her.

“Is something wrong, Jean?” the big-eyed brunette asked. The way he said it was so sweetly innocent that Jean found it disgusting. He scowled and grunted in response.

Jean hadn’t taken the time to notice whether or not Armin was present. He wanted to take that boy against a wall endlessly, but also wanted to throw up all over him. Jean didn’t understand his own feelings.

The blonde angel, however, knew exactly how he felt, or thought he did. He wanted nothing more than for Jean to hold him in his arms. The only thing holding him back from placing himself there was a boy who wasn’t even alive to defend himself. He sighed and watched the table he usually sat at with tears in his eyes.

Eren noticed Armin’s absence from his usual spot and looked around for him. He grinned and called him over, but Armin just shook his head and turned away.

Jean stood and slammed his palms and utensils onto the table before storming out of the mess hall, leaving confused and murmuring companions behind.

+  
+  
+

He threw himself onto his cot without undressing and let out an exasperated yell into the sheets that somehow still smelled like Armin. The stimulation made him choke out a rather gross sob, and he began weeping into the sheets. His cries were that kind that mean gasping and then howling, and then gasping again. He was only able to stop himself when he heard other cadets enter their quarters for the night.

Including Cadet Arlert, of course.

Armin passed his own cot and sat down next to Jean, who was still clenching his blankets with both hands and crying quietly into them.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry, Jean. I’m sorry.” Armin meant it, but thoughts of Marco still clouded his mind. “All I want is to make you happy. I didn’t mean for you to hear any of what I said.”

Jean didn’t respond; he just cried a little harder.

“I love you, Jean,” Armin whispered and placed an apologetic hand on his neck before standing and moving to his own resting place, where he would cry just as hard as Jean until he fell asleep.


	5. Anxiety Apparent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long to write! Hope you enjoy this pit of angst!

The next few days were full of painful tension between Jean and Armin that spread to the rest of the 104th. Eren flinched whenever Jean looked toward him, and doted on Armin, speculating that he might be sick. Mikasa looked at them from a distance, though whether her gaze was sympathetic, judgmental, or irritated, neither Armin nor Jean could figure.

Each night Jean slept face down on his bed so he couldn’t look over at Armin – yet somehow he found himself rolling over anyway to look at his sleeping distressed expression. His emotional walls had been completely torn down, so much that every morning he woke up with a red and swollen face from despairing sobbing.

The things Armin found himself doing, eating less, kicking the ground, screaming at the wall as he slammed his fist against it, made him more and more desperate. Desperate for what, he wasn’t exactly sure anymore. He wanted to hold Jean and breathe him in, but he also wanted to yank his hair and shove him and scream at him. He wanted to be caressed the way he had been. He wanted to scratch him so hard he bled.

It’d been two weeks, maybe three, since they had even spoken to each other when Jean broke down and pulled Armin into the two-toned male’s cot. He held him against him a little too tightly and bit his lip to keep himself from sobbing. “I really hate what you do to me,” he hissed, but the anger he tried to express turned into what sounded like begging.

Armin swallowed and whispered, “I do too,” as tears escaped his eyes. He didn’t know how they kept coming; he figured by now he’d run out. He wiggled his arms so that he could place his hands on either side of Jean’s face and kiss him through their tears and snot. It was disgusting, but so was everything else about the pair, it seemed.

Jean kissed him back and rolled on top of Armin, pulling his shirt off. He choked on a sob and buried his face in the crook of Armin’s neck. “Is it okay if I bite you?” he asked quietly, making sure he didn’t give himself or Armin any more reasons to hate him.

“Yeah,” Armin breathed back and hiccuped, going so far as to turn his neck to the side to give Jean more room to bite. Jean took a deep breath and attempted to stop the flow of tears before sinking his teeth into the skin at the base of the blonde’s neck. He responded with a soft moan that, to Jean, somehow managed to sound cute and pathetic and seductive all at the same time. The mixture of emotions just made him angrier and he bit into the teeth marks again before sucking hard on the spot. He didn’t realize it, but he was rutting into Armin as he bit and sucked, and the noises that the movements elicited from the slight male’s throat were less than becoming. Jean finally became somewhat aware of his grinding that bordered on frantic, and slowed down significantly.

“I-I need to take my pants off before I ruin them,” Armin protested, and Jean was reminded that they were both mostly dressed. They took a moment to undress, the air permeated with tension so thick it made them cringe. Once they were in a state to ravage each other, Jean resumed his position on top of Armin, who laid on his back with his arms around the other’s neck.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Jean said quietly and almost sadly. A groan of protest could be heard from one of the other male cadets, but the tall boy rolled his eyes and resumed grinding into the blonde. Armin tried to give him a response, but his throat and tongue were occupied making more indecent noises than he knew he could make. He wrapped his legs around Jean’s thighs and pulled him closer, desperate for friction. “We’re going to get blisters,” was what eventually escaped his lips, and Jean sighed and separated from him long enough to spit in his hand and slick both of them up. Armin shuddered as his hand made contact, and he arched into his touch.

Jean closed his eyes and kissed him deeply as he trailed his finger around Armin’s entrance to make sure he wasn’t in protest, and when he pushed against the touch, he gave into his own instincts and his semi-lover’s wishes and slipped it in. Armin hummed against Jean’s lips and his hips rolled. For a moment their chests were pressed against each other and they could feel both their hearts beat.

“Please, more,” Armin whined after several minutes of a torturous single finger slowly moving back and forth. Jean complied, adding a second finger. He curled and spread them, making the blonde gasp and cry out. “More,” he continued to plead, and the boy on top of him cautiously added another.

After a few more moments of preparation, Armin ground against Jean hard. “I need you, Jean,” he almost squeaked, tossing his head to the side as tears started to well up again. Jean bit his lip anxiously and decided to put the real issue aside for the moment. He slowly pulled his fingers out and sat up, Armin’s arms still around his neck and his legs around his hips. “Sure you’re ready?” he asked worriedly, and the boy attached to him nodded vigorously.

He wished he could forget about everything wrong that was happening, and about the Titans, the damn Titans, and the Walls and the military and about Marco, as he pushed into Armin, who wished he could forget about the jealousy he felt because of someone he felt guilty for blaming. Both of them pretended to push their thoughts aside as they connected in the most intimate way. Jean stared into the big blue eyes Armin could barely keep open. Neither could keep their mouths shut, moans and gasps probably heard by every cadet in the 104th. No one stopped them, simply because that might be the last time they had the chance.

Armin ended up on top of Jean with his hands on his chest. He fucked himself on Jean’s dick relentlessly, and the tall cadet had absolutely no problems with that. He guided Armin’s hips with his hands, knowing his grip would bruise. “How did I manage to only make one mark on you?” he mused, hungrily staring at the pale skin of Armin’s neck. The submissive blonde responded by leaning down and pressing his neck against Jean’s lips. He took the offer without question and bit into another spot on his skin, sucking on it. He let out a groan as Armin clenched around him, and he slid his hands over his back.

“Please fill me up,” Armin pleaded, and Jean shuddered. “Please make this worth it.” Jean nodded and thrust up into him until he climaxed. Armin gasped and came all over Jean’s chest as he was filled, collapsing against him after riding out his high.

“I’m literally going to kill you if this meant nothing,” Armin said, sounding calmer than he was.

“I don’t think you could,” Jean said honestly, turning toward him. He’d wash his sheets later, he thought absentmindedly. “You’ll never believe me, but you’re not second best, Armin.”

Armin laughed in blatant disbelief. “You couldn’t be more right about that,” he said bitterly.

Jean closed his eyes as he pulled the blonde into his chest. “It means nothing to say I’ll spend the rest of my days with you because every breath we take could likely be our last.”

“I know.”

“I think we should marry anyway.” Jean was taking a leap of faith and he very well knew the response.

“I don’t.” Armin said it calmly and matter-of-factly. When Jean waited for a reply, he went on. “I don’t because I absolutely hate you. And because I absolutely hate myself. And I hate myself more because I hate Marco.”

Jean was petting his hair at this point, knowing it was pointless to argue.

“I bet you never noticed me looking at you, or the pain every time you two smiled together.”

Jean swallowed; he didn’t. He started to cry again, silent but noticeable.

“I guess there’s a reason I keep coming back to you, though. Probably just because you’re a good lay,” Armin lied, mostly to try and fool himself, but Jean didn’t hear the quiet shaking in his voice.

“Aren’t you the one who desperately hoped that I’d been making love to you, not fucking you?” he whispered, chest too tight to breathe very deeply.

Armin’s eyes welled up with tears and he coughed in an attempt to disperse them. “I can’t tell what I feel anymore. Not through all this fear,” he said quietly, trembling

Jean simply kissed the top of his head and held him against his chest. “Never let yourself believe I don’t love you,” he purred softly against golden strands.

“Not as much as…” the blonde almost said, then stopped himself. He was being a total asshole, and he knew it.

“Baby, you have to let him go,” Jean groaned, throat straining to keep tears from falling. “I’m still working through it myself, but you have to at least try. Please try, Armin.” He was almost begging; every time Armin brought up the loss of the friend who never counted him out, who was there for him through all the terror, it made him recall the moment he found him.

The small boy didn’t respond, just cried himself to sleep in Jean’s arms.

 

 

 


	6. Halfway Reconciliation

When Jean woke up, he pulled Armin closer against him and breathed him in. "Stay with me. Be with me. Please," he whispered against his hair.  
Armin trembled. A light sleeper, he awoke when he felt Jean's breathing slow. "It would be pointless," he whimpered, shaking as he grasped Jean's shoulders. "We won't live much longer anyway. You know that."  
"I don't care, Armin," Jean mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. "I want to spend every minute I have left with you. I don't give a fuck what you think, my heart lies with you entirely."  
The blonde shuddered as he was racked with a sob. He clutched Jean's muscles hard enough to bruise them in an attempt to steady himself. The two-toned male just pulled him closer in response, hoping Armin couldn't feel the wetness of his tears through his golden hair.  
"Listen. I love you. Don't let anything else get in the way of that," Jean purred, placing a kiss on Armin's wet cheek.  
He hiccuped and swallowed, nodding vehemently and curling closer against him. "T-take me, please," he sputtered. "Remind me what you do to me. I need it."  
"Are you sure?" The taller male frowned. "Yes I'm fucking sure. Would I have demanded that otherwise?" Armin snapped in response and rolled onto his other side. He ground against Jean almost furiously.  
Jean hated the fact that Armin couldn't simply accept the words "I love you," and that he had to have sex to force himself to believe it.  
He was simply too weak to deny it, and he hated that even worse"You- ah, you wouldn't have." They were still completely nude from the night before, covered only by the sheets. Nothing separated them. Jean slid a hand along Armin's side and onto his stomach. "You're beautiful," he couldn't help but purr."  
"Fucking shut up and fuck me," Armin whined, and the taller boy sat up. "What?"  
"No. Not if it's only a distraction, not if you're this mad," he said quietly, closing his eyes. "If you stop yelling at me then I will, but you're really killing my boner."  
Someone in the barracks groaned loudly in protest.  
Armin narrowed his eyes at the boy - Connie, maybe? He tossed the thought aside - and rolled back around to Jean. "I'm sorry. It's really difficult for me to be around you..." When Jean's expression changed to one of hurt, Armin frowned and continued. "I can't handle my hatred of myself. I'm too fucking weak to keep myself away from you."  
Jean sighed and laid back down, pulling him close. "Please don't say that. I like to think you want to stay with me, you want to use the rest of the time we have to get to know me better."  
"I do. I just can't let some things go," the blonde replied bitterly. He was getting better at not being a total dick about the deceased, but he still had a long way to go.  
"I know, love. So, if you'll let me take it slow so you actually feel good instead of angry, I will." When Armin nodded, Jean pressed a kiss to his neck and shuffled down his body.  
"I'm sorry," Armin muttered and turned his head away. He wrapped his legs around Jean's head and pulled him closer.  
Jean kissed his member gently before looking at him with affection in his eyes. "I'll always forgive you. You know that."  
Armin nodded and Jean breathed him in before taking him into his mouth. He smirked when the lithe male whimpered and tossed a hand over his mouth. "See? Doesn't it feel good when you let it take over?" he teased softly and trailed his tongue along his length.  
"Mmmmm, stop teasing," Armin groaned and pulled on Jean's messy hair. This garnered a laugh from the older boy and he loosened his jaw, pushing him as far into his throat as he could and humming around him.  
Armin cried out, the sound muffled by his arm. He tightened his grip on Jean's shoulders with his legs. "Jean, can you- will you turn around so I can- um-?" he stuttered, a bright blush evident on his cheeks.  
"I have a better idea, but it's quite similar," he purred and pulled Armin on top of him, letting his legs fold neatly by Jean's sides.  
"What are you- fuck!" Armin cried as he felt Jean's tongue press against his hole. He arched his back and leaned over so he could take the older boy's cock back into his mouth. He could feel Jean's breath against his skin and it made him whimper around him. He braced himself on Jean's knees and practically bounced on him; he took him all the way into his throat and came almost off before slamming down onto him again, his nose prodding the two-toned male's balls from time to time.  
Jean almost lost all rational thought at the pleasure he was both giving and receiving. He pushed his tongue into Armin, giving a couple of slow thrusts before fervently fucking him with it.  
"Armin," Jean breathed, giving a parting nip to one of his cheeks. "I'm - I'm really fucking close, holy shit."  
The blonde angel's only response was to swallow around Jean, coaxing him to feed the smaller male. It wasn't long before he did, biting into his hand as he spurted over and over into Armin's mouth. The latter cried out around him, his own seed spilling across Jean's chest. Armin came off of him, swallowing what he could and wiping the rest off his face, and collapsed beside him.  
"Don't let me leave you," he whispered, taking Jean's hand in his own.  
"I couldn't."  
Satisfied with his answer, Armin hummed quietly and closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops! Sorry the first chapter was so damn short! I did NOT mean to do that! It seemed like a nice place to stop...sigh. Anyway, if you want you can follow me on tumblr @ the-baaing-cow  
> Thanks for reading!


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